Imagine for a moment that you know someone who has been in.a coma since January. Is that a long time to be in a coma? I don’t know if I’ve ever even known anyone to be in a coma at all, but again this is a hypothetical situation so imagine with me….. you have to explain to your friend why you and no one else has been there by their side while they slept their way through the first quarter of the year… as well as the apocalypse.
Now here’s where you have hit the fucking jackpot. Because had the apocolypse not come in the form of a flu-like virus that might kill you or might just let you carry it around and infect others, you would have had to lie through your teeth about why you weren’t there, because lets face it… a coma friends aren’t exactly fun friends. You wouldn’t have been there anyway BUT now you can blame COVID-19!
So you get to tell your a coma friend that some morons devoured a dog or a bat in a third world country and now we are all living in one big third world country. During the apocalypse very few people have a job, and the majority of those who do work from home. Everyone has been ordered to stay at home while the government pays us for doing so in the form of unemployment and stimulus payments. If you do leave home, you have to wear a face covering so you don’t exchange air with anyone. If you want to eat our, tough cuz your only option is to eat in (your own home).But you can order out! You have to maintain 6 feet between you and anyone else. Kids go to school from home via the internet. If you get the late night munchies and make a run for 7-eleven, someone is gonna shoot you in the face with a forehead thermometer before they let you in and someone else wrapped in plastic will serve you the taquitos because you can’t touch it after someone in non-bubble form touches it first. The big kicker… the tweakers aren’t the ones who “hang out” with their “friends” on Zoom and Ring Central all the time. Everyone dos it. We were the trailblazers!!
SOOOOO… having to tell a friend who has been a coma all that would be kinda fucked up. You know what would be even more fucked up. Not being here at all to tell that story. The rednecks have prevailed and the white trash are going to do all they can to pass this nasty ass disease around, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to do it. Ease back into things…. stand up a few tricks on Grindr before you start hooking up again. Ask people how socially distant they have been (ie. Whats your social distancing score?). No matter how gorgeous he is, there is only one hottie you should be concerned about right now. If you find teh man of your dreams at leas take his temperature before you take his dick . Slow down sluts! You don’t have to jump back in there so quickly. Remember the dildo and the fleshlight don’t talk back to you, steal your shit and sleep with your friends until at least day 5 or 6. Enjoy it cuz you know chances are that one hot dude will be the one who will do all that and give you a life ended virus that makes AIDS look like child’s play within the fist few hours of meeting him. It ain’t gonna kill you to wait it out a little bit longer.